What is happening now?
Three weeks into the Chemo therapy process, I realize that this Blog will be good for me to record my process. This is because my mind is what is being affected the most! And I have just discovered how much I rely on my mind to keep me «together!» Well an insight to me but not news to some of you out there!
The first time into the Cllinic for the chemo, Joyce and my mother went with me. It was good to have them there. The care of the staff and the professionalism of the clinic was reassuring. They were more than open to our holding the chemicals for the chemo and the anti-nausea stuff also. Then Joyce treated me while they injected the chemicals into my «port» which is a small device inserted under my skin at the collar bone for the weekly injections and blood tests. This port was very painful for the first two weeks and now is better. In addition to this injection time, I also take two pills every night. So every night I have to make the clear decision of swallowing the pills! Sometimes it is hard. I remember Barbara McDaniel’s words of «Be thankful that you have something to take!»
After three such sessions the patten is emerging. Wednesday I am anxious because I don’t know what will happen…and I know the chemo will happen! Usually just afterwards I have lunch, make a short stop before coming home and then home to bed! Thursdays are down days for me. I am usually not doing anything except sleeping, watching movies, and staring into space! Joyce says that I am not really here.
Fridays I do one or two physical things that help me come back! But I tire easily and sleep early. Saturday and Sunday are better days and by Tuesday, I am working in the office on my computer and other things. However, throughout all this, my mind is only able to «see» one thing and one thing only. If I am distracted! Then whatever I was doing is mostly gone. Frightening! But I am not bad …….or out of it when I
am on that one thing! Emotionally I am fragile and am very sensitive! Things are getting more confusing because of this! And Spiritually I am learning and learning about what this means! I see that I have had many ideas which don’t seem to be accurate so am in a creative space of confusion ………………..as Bethal Phaigh pointed out years ago. This is the space between two states of consciousness!
I love receiving and reading the emails, cards, and connection through Skype and the telephone! And I am having a difficult time organizing myself to respond! I love Skype because I can see if you are on your computer when I am. Somehow this gives me a warm and sweet feeling inside. And I love having the occasional conversation on Skype! Thank Goodness that the camera only shows the «top» half!
My one concern right now is about hands on treatment. I do not have enough contacts here in the area to have a treatment everyday …..and I would love to have daily treatments as well as the time Joyce and I have
in the early mornings with Reiki. If any of you know of students in the Tucson area ….please email me!
As this process becomes more and more intense, the Reiki will be more and more necessary! So I am looking ahead and there are people who are traveling here to spend some time with me…supporting me in treatment as well as driving me around. The more chemo I have the less I want to drive myself! Wheew! What a thing to relinquish. Can you imagine me not driving? The thought of the autobahn strike terror in my heart now!
Joyce and I are looking for a regular housekeeper to help us in keeping the house clean…which is important now …and more than just to be comfortable but to be clean! I dislike not being able to do this myself. Sigh. So there are many changes that I will need to accept. This is a spiritual discipline!
Thank you for your support in sending Reiki,
Signing off for now…Phyllis