First off, my health. In the last months I feel I have been experimenting in “being well.” I have found this experiment to be stressful. I didn’t know this until this week! Now I am sitting here a little disillusioned about my naturopath and wondering how I can find my way through this puzzling landscape. This all has just come to me in the last 24 hours.
To recap, after the surgery in August 2009, in theory I did not have cancer because it was taken out. The odd thing about this ……..is that in my mind I had cancer….whether it was in me physically. And there was a good degree of uncertainty about this state of not having cancer therefore the chemo and the radiation. At the point of starting the hormone therapy, my body baulked and I went to the naturopath. Since July or August of 2010, I have been on this regime of supplements and vitamins. These have proven by his standards to be effective.
the question now is ………do I still have cancer? A more accurate question is …..Does my body/mind still have the patterning of cancer? I find this to be so present lately.
What brought this on? While I was on my trip to Almaty I realized that I missed the daily reiki treatments and the palpable stream of distant Reiki that I felt coming to me over the first 8 months of my treatment time ………………………………………………………..since then, in increments, the stream has lessened. I am not complaining…for I totally understand that there are others who are more critical and in need of attention. Also the question, how long shall I keep sending Reiki? Do I need to have cancer or a unwell state of mind to continue receiving energy, including the flow of financial energy?
When will I have returned to health?
On one hand I feel I am healthier than before. I am more aware of my body’s limitations and listen more to its rhythms. I am willing to spend money and time to care for my body…to treat it with consciousness. This feels like a healing.
And the other hand wonders when I will be out of the woods energetically of cancer? Will there be a time when I will wake up without a thought of cancer during my day. This does not feel like fear, but more an awareness that the event was not far off in the past and the potential of a visit is still lingering. Thus the hormone treatment. Does the treatment keep this going or is it real. I have started to hold this question with great curiosity.
This experience is still changing me. It has not gone back into the store cupboard of things that might happen. The cloud of cancer mind is still around …….and the healing or bringing to wholeness of this part of my being is still going on. Do I have cancer? Am I still under treatment? Am I healthy? All these questions that are frequently asked of me elicit different responses but touch the place in me of uncertainty.
I suspect that this is a good place to be at least to realize that disease and conditions do not just go away because the physical body has been changed to be in a non tumor state. A potent experience of mind/body ad spirit healing. And I am not quite there yet! A sober thought and a good one. So the next step is to have compassion for myself, take conscious care, and be aware of the healing that is continuing.
with humbleness! Phyllis