Phyllis' Blog

May 18, 2013

Another gift of Cancer


In the beginning of April I had tests confirming a return of my breast my right leg bone.  This is the email I sent to Masters informing them about the return of a gift.  The next two or three entries will follow the story until we get to the present!  I will be more diligent in keeping this up as 4 years ago the Blog was really a lovely way to stay in touch.  


Dear Masters,

For some of you, you would wonder why I haven't called and talked with you in person.  I would have liked to have called all of you and talked but the time is so precious these days and my priorities have been to be with Joyce, with myself, and with the process. 

The why is not so important right now.  The way is the important thing for me.  And my way is to live my life in accordance with my ideals, my passions, and my limitations.  May this be so for the rest of my years…..

Tonight I spoke with my oncologist.  Dr Rachel Swart is a rock for me in my next step of living with cancer.  I have had a series of tests and they show that I have three places in which my breast cancer has metastasized.  The most noticeable is a lesion in my upper femur and this has caused me a bit of discomfort so I don't put all my weight on my right leg…….I have a good rolling gait like a sailor with a peg leg.  This means that this is stage four breast cancer.  The main treatment is hormone therapy which I have already started on from last Thursday.  I also have a small spot in the lower left lung and in my left clavicle.  

I will be doing the hormone therapy and possibly radiation in addition it will also strengthen my leg bone. I will return from my trip in the UK on May 7 and will see Dr Swart on the 9th for further planning.  In three months I will take another PET scan to see if the therapy is working.  

In another realm, I am going to start a form of emotional therapy that follows a course called "Grief Recovery Handbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman.  I was going to start this in order to lose weight…which I am doing these days…..on purpose. Now it is a critical part of my healing journey.  I have found a good person to guide me in this therapeutic process in Tucson.  I am so blessed!  In the month that I have now, before I am home to begin this program, I am working with Louise Hay and her lovely book …..Heal your Life.  This touches my heart and knowing.  

I feel wonderful…actually…..on a physical level.  I have not felt this good nor had this much physical well being for years.  So this is a bit of a confusing state for me.  How could this come up now!!!!??????  Well, there is most likely not a real answer to this question except to say…..this is my time to work with this state that has been growing in me.  Whether I die in three years or 10 years it doesn't really make any difference to me.  
The difference is what I do now, in this moment.   

For the first time in my life, I feel that I can care for myself and see the scale go down!  When I am not feeling good about myself….whatever I eat….the scales go up!  I am on the verge of breaking the 160 pound mark…and this is a major accomplishment.  Now for the next 15 pounds!  
And I am more vulnerable, more prone to feeling fragile, and more apt to care for myself rather than pushing through to the next "thing to do."  This is a major shift for me.  

I feel confident that my body is giving me a gift that keeps giving……and I also believe that this is not denial nor reframing.  What we are doing here on this earth is to make the best of what we are given, what we have in this moment, and what our hearts open to doing.  This is my way of being with this news.  

There is fear, of course…..of the unknown, of possible pain, and of loss.  But this only is if I go into the future of "what if."  I can't do this right now.  I would not see what is right in front of me and take in the gifts that are being offered.  

This is what I ask of you.  

Please do not be afraid of losing me…..I am in you and you are in me.  We are connected….whether I am alive or not.  Whether you are alive or not.  

Let us live the practice of Reiki to its fullest and I will send you Reiki when you ask….and there are many of you going through difficult moments these days.  And you can send me Reiki.  It really does sooth, comfort, and heal.  

If you have something to share with me …ideas of treatment….please share it.  I accept your sharing as an offering of your love and caring.  It is possible that what you offer is not on my path right now……but I am open to seeing if it fits now or in the future. 

Keep me posted about your life and your work.  This is a part of my seeing/living our connection.  

I am listening to Aad Guray by Deva Premal…..another of my favorite mantras from my breast cancer treatment days.  This is a mantra to honor the gifts that we are given in life….our parents, our teachers, our community, all that is around us.  Gratitude. My wish and vision of how I want to live is through gratitude.  I am going to be looking back on those times in my life when it is difficult to be grateful….and instead I harbor angry wounds.  This is my path to healing. 

Thank you for being a part of my life… joy……my blessings,


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